New year

It seems like you still plan to be part of my life in 2016.

What will the new year have in store for us? Is it possible we write it differently this time?

Things left unsaid

You don't know how much words I have saved in drafts that I want to send you.

To tell you off. To tell you how much you've hurt me. To tell you to stop wasting my time.

Ambiguity

Once again, your messages are laced with ambiguity designed to draw me in. 

Or at least my makeup’s weakness is its magnetic pull.

You miss me, you said.

Your message sent the day after which I only got today.

You miss me, you said. You confuse me, you did.

All things end

Thoughts are on closing out the projects we were supposed to be doing together.  

Thinking of how to go about doing all of it without the drama. 

Hung on hope

I had hoped you’d remember.

Up to the last minute, I’d held on to the hope that I’d hear from you.

Was it just me?

Whenever I chance on remembering how much of how you treated me hurt -- an onslaught of questions would come rushing in pursuit.

I’d wonder if you’ve ever had a single honest relationship. Or it was just me.

Would I write for you?

What if you can read my thoughts?

What if you stumble upon the words I’ve written?

Imagined affection

You come in and out of my life like it’s just a game.

Was any of it real? 

Let me make you happy this way

I used to send you photos I’ve taken of myself. 

It was my way of connecting with you even when we’re not together. 

Photos

Printed out two photos today.

It’s my way of keeping memories of you.

Bad day

I had another misunderstanding with my mom earlier today.

I wish you’re really here to make me feel a little better. 

Dirty

As I was cleaning the cage of my dog earlier today, a thought came to mind.

With my hands deep in dog shit and years of muck, I couldn’t help but wonder: do you deserve someone who does something like that?

Make believe

As I go about the work around the house, I imagine I'm doing it to the house you'll come home to.

Do you think it's crazy?

You make me smile

Do you know that each time I hear from you, you fill me with such hope for life?

You make me smile.

Yearning

An image came to me a few nights ago that represents how I feel about you.

I was curled up, with my head resting on your chest, in your arms. Cocooned in the warmth, enveloped in your scent.

Waiting game

Will it always be like this?

If I adjust to how you want things to go, how you pace things, will this relationship go smoother?

Changes: Moving forward

Venturing into a few changes starting tomorrow.

Kicking a nasty habit and sorting out a few things on how I go about each day.

Next week

I heard from you today.

Seems like it’s not over after all.

Wasted time

I wonder — did I just waste the last 2 years of my life? 

I was on an upward trend. Now, I’m at an inferior state than when I first started.

Today's anger

Then there was this sudden urge to lash out.

I’m angry.

Silence. It's over.

The silence can only mean one thing for me — it’s over.

There is no point talking when it is, right?

Heartbreak and goodbyes

My heart breaks each time I think of what's happening to us.

I feel a crippling hopelessness.

Dream: Call and decisions

I had a dream about you recently.

You called me on Skype. You wanted to tell me something.

Hurting

What did I ever do to you?

Do you ever stop to think that you’re hurting me?